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(no subject) [Nov. 14th, 2009|05:18 pm]
sob. cry. choke. die. i missed out on lady gaga tickets today. poop.
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ALSO [Nov. 8th, 2009|10:54 am]
i was lady gaga for halloween!!!!!!!!! made the costume all by myself! it was amazing. i felt like i could do anything underneath that red lace veil. i won first prize at my friends house party! lol. so at least i can add THAT to my list of accomplishments since high school.....
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continuing [Oct. 21st, 2009|04:00 pm]
i got a new puppy last week

poor little guy was found by my cousin, abandoned in an empty house. he was starved and skeletal and hadn't had a scrap of food in god knows how long.
im pretty positive hes a pit mix. he looks just like a little brindle cheddar!
and cheddar has always wanted a little brindle pit bull brother named colby jack. =)

he is doing great here. so so well. he is basically poty trained already and knows 4 tricks so far! yayyy. pictures coming soon. if i can remember how to upload pics on here.

i'm going to a gay bar tonight all by myself for the first time ever. it will probably scare me straight. hopefully i don't get hit on by a bunch of older women haha. i really dont know how it's going to be. but i just read this book called "same sex in the city" by lauren levin and lauren blitzer and it has totally convinced me to come out of the closet and play the field. before i get old or ugly or something. shit, im sick of being single.
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(no subject) [Apr. 14th, 2008|12:45 pm]
[mood |blahblah]

i dropped all but one of my classes on friday. my academic advisor actually had to convince me to do it.

my mom said something like "hasnt it ever occured to you that NONE of my children have done a damn thing that i could be proud of?" in response but im learning to just ignore her these days.

now i just have my COM350 class, small group communication. i couldnt drop it because my group is depending on me to fulfill my duties with the service learning project. the class starts in ten minutes. i should probably leave.
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its about time that i update this shit [Mar. 31st, 2008|02:53 pm]
[mood |amusedbetter]

i read everyones posts weekly but i never seem to update this thing anymore.

wellllllll.... not a whole lot has changed.

today is my moms 50th birthday but all that does is grant her the right to be bitchy at me for the rest of eternity, haha.


i turn 21 in one month and 24 days. =))))) not that its a big deal since i dont drink a lot. for the past few months my gay friend vince has been trying to put me through alcohol training but it doesnt seem to be going well seeing as i can still hardly finish two drinks without getting sick and ridiculously drunk. its pathetic! lets all hope that i wont be dying of alcohol poisoning on my 21st birthday because its looking like a possibility. =P

im really pretty happy in general lately though. i spend a LOT of time partying but i dont think theres anything wrong with that. especially since im a girl who didnt really experience anything like this until the past year (or less). its pretty cool having friends. and its neat how if you just give up trying to change yourself to impress other people they will finally start to notice you as you begin to just be yourself. all of this is really very new to me. im still so insecure around a lot of people but ive gotten SO MUCH better.

nowadays i look like this...
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(no subject) [Sep. 18th, 2007|12:06 pm]
im so happy! (see how much i change from day to day..?)

last night mallory and i decided that we are going to get an apartment together as soon as possible, hopefully within the next month.

neither of us can stand living at home anymore. i feel like i have so many problems right now that being around my mom and all of her problems is going to do me in. mallory feels the same way about her situation. if we can pull this off i think its going to do wonders for me to be able to get away from my parents and be out on my own.

i havent told my mom yet because i know she will take it personally. these past few weeks shes really been up my ass because ive given up hiding the fact that i smoke cigarettes and do some drugs. she doesnt really have any room to bitch because everything i do she also does and a hell of a lot more. she doesnt like mallory either so i know she will hate this plan.

i will sit down and talk to her about it nicely. after i tell her im moving out and the initial shock passes ill give her my reasons. i am 20 years old... i need independence and freedom... im sick of depending on everyone for everything... i need to get away and figure out who i am and what im going to do... gain perspective... start my own life... make major changes because whats going on here is not working for me. then i will explain to her that i am NOT abandoning her, that i have appreciated her support for a long time, etc.

im excited. =)
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(no subject) [Aug. 20th, 2007|09:56 am]
today is my first day of my second semester of college.
its so fucking weird to be back here!

it really was terrible to have to wake up at 7:40AM after having gone to bed around 3:00AM. I really need to get back in the habit of sleeping regularly.

but thats extremely difficult now that my cousin megan is back in town again! even if its only for a week. this year she brought her boyfriend with her. he is extremely arrogant and cant stop talking about how much different indiana is from new jersey and how much better it is etc. i get sick of hearing him talk.

megan is trying to help her mom get pregnant by donating her eggs. she has to go through this surgical procedure where her stepdad fertilizes the eggs and they are then implanted into megans mothers uterus. i think this is fuuuuuucked uuuup.

winnie (megans mom) cant have children anymore because she had cancer a few years ago and the treatments made her infertile somehow. i just think that if you are like 50 years old, have had cancer, and have already fucked up your two children enough then you shouldnt be having more kids.

and i also think megans whole outlook on this is fucked up. she sees it as a way to have a special connection with her little brother/sister. and a cool preveiw to what her kids will look like. but shes already fucking things up in her head about parental rights and saying it will be my "nephew" and what not. i just think she is disturbed enough already without something like this fucking her up even worse.

i have not been keeping up with my outpatient treatment since i left the hospital, im not even seeing a therapist like im supposed to but i really think im better off without those things at this point. im doing just fine maintaining my weight on my own. i just needed to get things straightened out by myself and its working out extremely well.

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
this is me right after i got out of the hospital. it doesnt capture the hugeness of my hair. i need to find a picture that does.
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(no subject) [Aug. 15th, 2007|03:58 pm]
wow, i have not been able to update since may 3rd.
there are a few acceptable reasons:

- my eating problems spiraled out of control again and i was put into inpatient treatment. this really truly was the last time it will ever happen. ive spent entirely too much time of my 20 years of life in hospitals

- my stepmom kicked me out of the house for no particular reason other than she is no longer married to my dad, so ive been living with my mother since i got out of the hospital. she doesnt have a computer.

- my cousins from new jersey are visitiing again! even if i only have been able to see them for a few weeks.

there has been all sorts of drama but everythings okay i guess. i am registered for school and everything, can you believe it!? im not too excited about summer ending, especially since ive only been out of the hospital for 3 weeks and i feel like i still havent had a vacation.

ill probably post pictures next time or something. cheddar has gotten big. and so has my hair!
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(no subject) [Apr. 23rd, 2007|07:04 pm]
[mood |stressedstressed]

ive been drawing a lot lately. its nice.

my little 11 year old cousin claire has been having seizures lately. it started last week on monday, and shes been having one every single day since then... sometimes multiple times a day. its so strange because shes been perfectly healthy all her life.

shes been to a doctor and neurologist and eveything. they say her MRI and CAT scans come up positive for a seizure disorder, but she hasnt been dignosed with epilepsy yet.

they want to put her on depakote, and that makes me really nervous. when i wa sin the psyche wards the WORST OF THE WORST were on depikote. like, paranoid schizophrenics. im really nervous for her to be starting on such a strong drug...? but her seizures keep getting increasingly severe. theyre frontal lobe seizures, i guess thats supposed to be dangerous. at first she was just passing out for an hour but now shes havng the full blown convulsions and everything.

im so so worried. she means so much to me. she has idolized me her whole life. i keep having nightmares of her dying... which is probably ridiculous but it is pretty serious.

if you have a seziure disorder you can never get your lisence to drive and your jobs will probably be limited too. and side affects of all these fucking medications...

i know a girl whose brother died while he was having a seziure. he lived out on his own and when he had a seziure he fell down the stairs and died.

im just really worried. =( i love that girl.
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(no subject) [Apr. 16th, 2007|01:22 pm]
[mood |bouncybouncy]

Yesterday was really fun.

My friend Tara and I took our dogs to this big dog walk sponsored by Mixed Up Mutts. It took place at this dog park that neither of us have ever been to... but it was probably the best dog park I've ever been to. It had agility equipment all over. Cheddar even got the courage to try a few of them out... like the a-frame and tire jump. Normally he'd be pretty scared but Zuma went first and showed him how its done.
There were all sorts of dogs that I've always read about but have rarely or never seen in real life. There was a black Afghan Hound! And a Bernese Mountain Dog! And an Alaskan Klee Kai! And this really strange looking Shar Pei/pug mix! And just about everythng else in between... from Jack Russel Terriers to 160 pound Alaskan Malamutes. Boxers, Labs, Greyhounds, English Springer Spaniels etc. And about a trillion mutts. I wish I'd have taken a camera!
I was really worried that Cheddar wouldn't behave but he suprised me! he didn't try to pick a fight with anyone all day... even when they pestered him. he was probably just too focused on playing with his ball.

On the way home I stopped at the humane society to donate some books and they had two WHITE GERMAN SHEPHERDS! I just about went crazy. That is my dream dog! I've been trying to convince my mom to let me get one, they are only $60. And this month my classes end so I will have all summer to train the dog. I really want to get one because what are the chances of this EVER happening again!? White German Shepherds are not common dogs at all. And they're GORGEOUS.

I want one sooo baaad! It's killing me!
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