| (no subject) |
[Nov. 14th, 2009|05:18 pm] |
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sob. cry. choke. die. i missed out on lady gaga tickets today. poop. |
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| ALSO |
[Nov. 8th, 2009|10:54 am] |
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i was lady gaga for halloween!!!!!!!!! made the costume all by myself! it was amazing. i felt like i could do anything underneath that red lace veil. i won first prize at my friends house party! lol. so at least i can add THAT to my list of accomplishments since high school..... |
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| continuing |
[Oct. 21st, 2009|04:00 pm] |
i got a new puppy last week
poor little guy was found by my cousin, abandoned in an empty house. he was starved and skeletal and hadn't had a scrap of food in god knows how long.
im pretty positive hes a pit mix. he looks just like a little brindle cheddar!
and cheddar has always wanted a little brindle pit bull brother named colby jack. =)
he is doing great here. so so well. he is basically poty trained already and knows 4 tricks so far! yayyy. pictures coming soon. if i can remember how to upload pics on here.
i'm going to a gay bar tonight all by myself for the first time ever. it will probably scare me straight. hopefully i don't get hit on by a bunch of older women haha. i really dont know how it's going to be. but i just read this book called "same sex in the city" by lauren levin and lauren blitzer and it has totally convinced me to come out of the closet and play the field. before i get old or ugly or something. shit, im sick of being single. |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 14th, 2008|12:45 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  blah | ] |
i dropped all but one of my classes on friday. my academic advisor actually had to convince me to do it.
my mom said something like "hasnt it ever occured to you that NONE of my children have done a damn thing that i could be proud of?" in response but im learning to just ignore her these days.
now i just have my COM350 class, small group communication. i couldnt drop it because my group is depending on me to fulfill my duties with the service learning project. the class starts in ten minutes. i should probably leave. |
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| its about time that i update this shit |
[Mar. 31st, 2008|02:53 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  better | ] |
i read everyones posts weekly but i never seem to update this thing anymore.
wellllllll.... not a whole lot has changed.
today is my moms 50th birthday but all that does is grant her the right to be bitchy at me for the rest of eternity, haha.
hmmm...
i turn 21 in one month and 24 days. =))))) not that its a big deal since i dont drink a lot. for the past few months my gay friend vince has been trying to put me through alcohol training but it doesnt seem to be going well seeing as i can still hardly finish two drinks without getting sick and ridiculously drunk. its pathetic! lets all hope that i wont be dying of alcohol poisoning on my 21st birthday because its looking like a possibility. =P
im really pretty happy in general lately though. i spend a LOT of time partying but i dont think theres anything wrong with that. especially since im a girl who didnt really experience anything like this until the past year (or less). its pretty cool having friends. and its neat how if you just give up trying to change yourself to impress other people they will finally start to notice you as you begin to just be yourself. all of this is really very new to me. im still so insecure around a lot of people but ive gotten SO MUCH better.
nowadays i look like this...
haha! |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 18th, 2007|12:06 pm] |
im so happy! (see how much i change from day to day..?)
last night mallory and i decided that we are going to get an apartment together as soon as possible, hopefully within the next month.
neither of us can stand living at home anymore. i feel like i have so many problems right now that being around my mom and all of her problems is going to do me in. mallory feels the same way about her situation. if we can pull this off i think its going to do wonders for me to be able to get away from my parents and be out on my own.
i havent told my mom yet because i know she will take it personally. these past few weeks shes really been up my ass because ive given up hiding the fact that i smoke cigarettes and do some drugs. she doesnt really have any room to bitch because everything i do she also does and a hell of a lot more. she doesnt like mallory either so i know she will hate this plan.
i will sit down and talk to her about it nicely. after i tell her im moving out and the initial shock passes ill give her my reasons. i am 20 years old... i need independence and freedom... im sick of depending on everyone for everything... i need to get away and figure out who i am and what im going to do... gain perspective... start my own life... make major changes because whats going on here is not working for me. then i will explain to her that i am NOT abandoning her, that i have appreciated her support for a long time, etc.
im excited. =) |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 20th, 2007|09:56 am] |
today is my first day of my second semester of college.
its so fucking weird to be back here!
it really was terrible to have to wake up at 7:40AM after having gone to bed around 3:00AM. I really need to get back in the habit of sleeping regularly.
but thats extremely difficult now that my cousin megan is back in town again! even if its only for a week. this year she brought her boyfriend with her. he is extremely arrogant and cant stop talking about how much different indiana is from new jersey and how much better it is etc. i get sick of hearing him talk.
megan is trying to help her mom get pregnant by donating her eggs. she has to go through this surgical procedure where her stepdad fertilizes the eggs and they are then implanted into megans mothers uterus. i think this is fuuuuuucked uuuup.
winnie (megans mom) cant have children anymore because she had cancer a few years ago and the treatments made her infertile somehow. i just think that if you are like 50 years old, have had cancer, and have already fucked up your two children enough then you shouldnt be having more kids.
and i also think megans whole outlook on this is fucked up. she sees it as a way to have a special connection with her little brother/sister. and a cool preveiw to what her kids will look like. but shes already fucking things up in her head about parental rights and saying it will be my "nephew" and what not. i just think she is disturbed enough already without something like this fucking her up even worse.
i have not been keeping up with my outpatient treatment since i left the hospital, im not even seeing a therapist like im supposed to but i really think im better off without those things at this point. im doing just fine maintaining my weight on my own. i just needed to get things straightened out by myself and its working out extremely well.
this is me right after i got out of the hospital. it doesnt capture the hugeness of my hair. i need to find a picture that does. |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 15th, 2007|03:58 pm] |
wow, i have not been able to update since may 3rd.
there are a few acceptable reasons:
- my eating problems spiraled out of control again and i was put into inpatient treatment. this really truly was the last time it will ever happen. ive spent entirely too much time of my 20 years of life in hospitals
- my stepmom kicked me out of the house for no particular reason other than she is no longer married to my dad, so ive been living with my mother since i got out of the hospital. she doesnt have a computer.
- my cousins from new jersey are visitiing again! even if i only have been able to see them for a few weeks.
there has been all sorts of drama but everythings okay i guess. i am registered for school and everything, can you believe it!? im not too excited about summer ending, especially since ive only been out of the hospital for 3 weeks and i feel like i still havent had a vacation.
ill probably post pictures next time or something. cheddar has gotten big. and so has my hair! |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 23rd, 2007|07:04 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  stressed | ] |
ive been drawing a lot lately. its nice.
my little 11 year old cousin claire has been having seizures lately. it started last week on monday, and shes been having one every single day since then... sometimes multiple times a day. its so strange because shes been perfectly healthy all her life.
shes been to a doctor and neurologist and eveything. they say her MRI and CAT scans come up positive for a seizure disorder, but she hasnt been dignosed with epilepsy yet.
they want to put her on depakote, and that makes me really nervous. when i wa sin the psyche wards the WORST OF THE WORST were on depikote. like, paranoid schizophrenics. im really nervous for her to be starting on such a strong drug...? but her seizures keep getting increasingly severe. theyre frontal lobe seizures, i guess thats supposed to be dangerous. at first she was just passing out for an hour but now shes havng the full blown convulsions and everything.
im so so worried. she means so much to me. she has idolized me her whole life. i keep having nightmares of her dying... which is probably ridiculous but it is pretty serious.
if you have a seziure disorder you can never get your lisence to drive and your jobs will probably be limited too. and side affects of all these fucking medications...
i know a girl whose brother died while he was having a seziure. he lived out on his own and when he had a seziure he fell down the stairs and died.
im just really worried. =( i love that girl. |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 16th, 2007|01:22 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  bouncy | ] |
Yesterday was really fun.
My friend Tara and I took our dogs to this big dog walk sponsored by Mixed Up Mutts. It took place at this dog park that neither of us have ever been to... but it was probably the best dog park I've ever been to. It had agility equipment all over. Cheddar even got the courage to try a few of them out... like the a-frame and tire jump. Normally he'd be pretty scared but Zuma went first and showed him how its done.
There were all sorts of dogs that I've always read about but have rarely or never seen in real life. There was a black Afghan Hound! And a Bernese Mountain Dog! And an Alaskan Klee Kai! And this really strange looking Shar Pei/pug mix! And just about everythng else in between... from Jack Russel Terriers to 160 pound Alaskan Malamutes. Boxers, Labs, Greyhounds, English Springer Spaniels etc. And about a trillion mutts. I wish I'd have taken a camera!
I was really worried that Cheddar wouldn't behave but he suprised me! he didn't try to pick a fight with anyone all day... even when they pestered him. he was probably just too focused on playing with his ball.
On the way home I stopped at the humane society to donate some books and they had two WHITE GERMAN SHEPHERDS! I just about went crazy. That is my dream dog! I've been trying to convince my mom to let me get one, they are only $60. And this month my classes end so I will have all summer to train the dog. I really want to get one because what are the chances of this EVER happening again!? White German Shepherds are not common dogs at all. And they're GORGEOUS.
I want one sooo baaad! It's killing me! |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 4th, 2007|10:29 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  awake | ] |
well... here is my newly shaved weiner dog.
i didnt have my digital camera on me so i had to take the pictures with my cell phone. theyre kinda shitty and you cant see how FUCKING cute it is.
but anyway.
BEFORE....
AND AFTER!!!
yayy. you can actually see his spiked collar now and he doesnt look quite as fat.
in other news...
i got chemicals all over my hands and somehow in my nose this morning when i was making the "unknown" vials for todays chem 115 labs. and now all i can smell is chemical nastiness. |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 12th, 2007|10:56 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  worried | ] |
all through my spring break i was really stressed out over having so much homework. but when the opportunities came to work on it i just wouldnt, and i stressed out even more. it got to a point where i was having terrible dreams every night about failing my classes and i still wouldnt work on my homework or study for my finals.
now i am at school and my psychology midterm exam is in 4 hours, and i have no idea what its over and im still not studying or doing the assignments.
my speech class is right after that and im expected to have my midterm speech outlined, and if the outline isnt turned in TODAY then i can not give the speech on wednesday and will receive an imcomplete.
i had all the time in the world to study over spring break and i made sure to give myself time set aside just for studying and doing research for my speech but i never did it and i should be in a state of panic right now but i dont really care... but after i fail the psychology exam and am told i cant give my midterm speech i will very likely be suicidal. its quite possible that i sub-consciously put myself in these kind of situations but KNOWING that i am putting myself in this situation isnt anywhere near enough to pull myself out.
this is why paying so much for an MY education is insane. i know im wasting my money. |
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| picture post |
[Mar. 8th, 2007|12:21 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  crappy | ] |
most of these were taken over winter break when my cousins were here from new jersey.
and the other half of them were taken that one night when we got really stoned and decided it was a great idea to pour candle wax over my nipples. so yeah, theres a little bit of nudity on my part but its all in good taste.
( good times... )
there should be more of my new tongue piercing coming soon!
this one should be shown again...
god i love that girl! |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 19th, 2007|12:07 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | blah | ] |
i have to give a speech in four hours. the speech is written out but last time i spoke it out loud it took over twice the time limit to complete. my face got red and i stuttered a lot. like, a lot. and i get nervous twitches. all of this just in front of mallory. and in four hours it will have to be in front of my teacher and the entire class. im the worst public speaker you could ever see. the speech isnt even memorized and i havent made notecards. i know exactly what words i am going to stutter on and im probably going to cry.
i am soooo fuckingggg scared of public speaking.
mallory went into one of her bipolar fits again yesterday. i never get mad at her no matter how bad she treats me sometimes. almost every night she talks about how she wants to be in love and how no one could ever love her that way and it makes me pretty sad because im pretty sure i do. it must be more of a painful situation for me than it is for her. and im starting to think im perverted twisted and sick. because this poor girl obviously doesnt want to be with me that way but i cant stop thinking about her that way either. and it really isnt anything to do with sex. i mean, i think shes beautiful but thats not that point. i could honestly see myself living with her for the rest of my life. this really is a terrible situation.i dont know what id say if i were to say something to her about it, it could completely change everything and i dont want that. i dont want her to feel awkward and not want to be around me anymore or stop giving me hugs. i am the destroyer of perfectly fine friendships.
i wont say anything to her though. im just going to let things go the way they have been going because besides from that its been great. and hopefully these feelings will eventually just die down. |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 12th, 2007|01:03 pm] |
mallory is having sex with my old friend perry.
perry and i stopped being friends after he just wouldnt quit begging me to have sex with him everey time we saw each other. he is also my cousin megans ex boyfriend of two years.
its a pretty awkward situation since we all have some sort of sexual background with perry. i told her initially that i am completely uncomfortable with the situation but eventually i told her that she could go ahead with it. only because i know that the only reason i am so against her having sex with perry is because i secretly want a relationship with her, not because i think he will take advantage of her. but i know that will never happen so keeping her from being with other people is stupid.
since perry lives two doors down from my moms house she has to come over and stay with me if she ever wants to see him. and if they ever want to have sex i am always right there in the same room to avoid suspicion. we are both somewhat uncomfortable with it but im uncomfortable for completely different reasons than she is. its terrible for me because i like her as more than a friend. its pretty sad. and yessss, i know perfectly well what i shouldcouldwould do about it. i dont know. i think i go to far to please people sometimes.
oh, and now mallory thinks shes pregnant.
brilliant. |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 8th, 2007|04:11 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  weird | ] |
last night i had a dream that i tried to kill a little girl by feeding her a teaspoon of liquid mercury and telling her it was cough syrup. i remember wanting to kill her but i dont remember why i wanted her dead. i didnt know her or her family or even what house we were in. i spilled some of the mercury onto my hands and instead of it rolling around in my palm it stuck there like cement and wouldnt come off. i fed her the mercury even though i would surely be caught.i wish i could dream like that every night. i have the best dreams when i fall asleep high.
i wonder if a napkin would absorb liquid mercury. the weight of it and the way it rolls around makes me think that it couldnt be absorbed.
i definitely had some sort of nervous breakdown yesterday. im still not feeling right, but it definitely takes a few days to recover from something like that.
mallory has to take 150mg of ceraquil just to be able to sleep. im pretty sure the normal dosage is about 25mg if youre taking it to help you sleep like she is. shes been out of her meds for 4 days now and she hasnt slept since.
i gave her a tonnnn of OTC stuff that i thought might help but none of them did. then we smoked a lot of pot. she only slept for 20 minutes after that. she woke up and was like "damn that felt good. how long was i asleep?" and i said "just twenty minutes, babe".
today i had my first exam in history. i am certainly not in a good state of mind to be taking any exams. i honestly cant remember anything thats happened in the past two weeks. i cant focus on anything. i sat down in my moms office to study for the test but instead i just stared at the electrical outlet for four hours wanting to electricute myself. i sat down at the deak for FOUR HOURS and i only got to the SECOND question on the study guide. i cant focus on anything.
my back pain is getting much worse too. its been just lower normal back pains for a while but now it feels sort of like spasms going down the muscles on either side of my spinal cord. the pain is absolutely unreal. my aunt cindi had to have some kind of back reconstructive surgery when she was only 27. my dad when he was 43. i think im going to go for about 20. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 30th, 2007|09:26 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | awake | ] |
temperature- 8 degrees
wind shield- -16 degrees
my house- heated by wood stove
me- too lazy to start a fire
moral of the story- im freezing my ass off
i have my first exam today and im not prepared.
my professors like "dont worry its only 15% of your grade".
and im like this:
i am addicted to making south parks.
if i can make a south park character for anyone, just let me know! |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 25th, 2007|03:49 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | amused | ] |
i just spelled "kaleidoscope" correctly on my first try.
YES!!! |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 3rd, 2006|10:17 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  okay | ] |
i really am trying to change the terrible state of mind that im in. i know that its selfish, unattractive and unpleasent. i really do wish that i could get people to see that im not behaving like this on purpose. or
seths memorial (i guess i cant call it a funeral since he was cremated) was absolutely heartbreaking. there were hundreds and hundreds of people there. they blew up his pictures and covered the walls with his photography. even his very last pistures of him on the train tracks. even the very last picture of that train coming. it was very moving and disturbing. so many people were there. people came from different countries, even. people who had heard of his photography company and had taken pictures with him. at the end of the ceremony several different people spoke about him. his fiance of 7 years, his 15 year old sister, his cousins who he grew up with, his mother... and all sorts of random people. he really was just an excellent person. its one of those situation where you didnt know what you had until it was gone.
i feel like an asshole.
and also...
every time i post about how well i have been controlling my eating habits something goes terribly wrong. but i think it is worthy to note that despite how everything seems to be collapsing around me i have been coming out of it pretty well. i have not purged in over two months i think... and its been slightly longer than that since ive binged. it has been a long while since i have gone this long without any major eating disordered behavior. but, haha, i have also gained a lot of weight. around 8 or 9 pounds. but it really does look and feel like even more than that. i am bigger right ow than i have EVER been in my life. do you know how hard that is!? i am trying so hard to not freak out over this.
and i have had good influences around me. my friend tara has been such a great help without even knowing it. i will seriously never forget when we went to the gasstation to get a drink and she read the nutritional information on two different brands of chocolate milk and then got the one that was higher in fat and calories. how her body looks really doesnt affect her at all. she says "i would rather be happy than skinny. and if chocolate makes me happy...." haha! i cant even imagine! its crazy how much these moments with her have helped me. but she has also never been ugly in her life. she isnt fat, but yanno, bigger, but she is still so freaking gorgeous. she has a face that is so beautiful that you dont even have to look at the rest of her body.
but there i go again! obsessing over physical appearence. i suppose i should be saying she has a BEAUTIFUL PERSONALITY. which she does, i guess. i love her. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 28th, 2006|07:10 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | just fine | ] |
i am sort of covered in sand. my hair is thick, wavy and wind blown. my cheeks are pink and i smell like the cleaner part of lake michigan. i forgot completely what this sort of aftermath feels like. i havent been there in years.
going to the beach today with my friends didnt turn out to be such a disaster. it was hell trying to hide my scars the whole time. one girl asked what happened and i contemplated telling them all the truth for a second, but then i just said its a dog bite (i always say that. they look NOTHING like a dog bite of any sort). i was also afraid to take my clothes off. im glad i went though. it was probably the last time i will ever see some of those girls.
i bought christy the postsecret book for a belated birthday gift. in the card i tried not to be overly apologetic about being so distant this year. i told her i regret it. i also told her to have fun at arizona state next year and i will miss her so much blah blah. i really will miss her. i will miss everyone.
hearing about them talk about college is painful. i know ive said this before. ive discovered thathearing them talk about their new room mates is even worse. i wish to god i could be rooming with them instead. and these new people coming into their life have no idea how spectacular they are and how lucky they are to have them as their dorm mate.
i regret so much the way i isolated myself this year as my depression got worse. i missed out on a lot. i had so many opportunities to be with them. i think in my mind i was isolating myself from them because i though if i spent so much time with them it would make it more difficult for me when they leave for college. but i was wrong, it made it worse. i dont have many memories to hold on to at all.
so many regrets.
i hear its a waste of time to regret anything, and that you should simply learn from your mistake and move on. that is more difficult in situations like these, when you will likely never have a chance to make up for it again.
(i dropped $85 this morning at barnes and noble on books that i already have. i have to STOP DOING THAT.)
tomarrow morning i am going downstate for my aunts casual outdoor wedding. i dont really have any feelings about this, other than i am nervous to be eating with a large crowd of people, half of which know i am eating disordered, afterward at the reception.
i have gained a significant amount of weight since school got out and im incredibly bloated. i dont believe im skinny anymore. and knowing that makes recovery suddenly impossible. lately ive been triggered by anything and everything and im very sad that i may be slipping into a relapse.
today really was great though. im so glad i took advantage of an opportunity and went to the beach. i ended up having an okay time. =) |
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